I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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