So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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