Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
