Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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