I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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