Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
