So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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