I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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