i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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