I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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