Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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