Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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