woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
