so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
