Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
