i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize