sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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