the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Randomize
