Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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