my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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