It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
