It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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