So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
