The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
