i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
