I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
