Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
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