remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
