Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
