Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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