A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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