he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
