My hand turned me down
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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