i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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