Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
