i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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