The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
