So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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