never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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