I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
