My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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