I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
