How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
