I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
