She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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