Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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