It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
