I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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