um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
