I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
