My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
