apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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