Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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