Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
