i jhust puked up my retainher.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
