When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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