She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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