I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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