Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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