I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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