my phone needs a breathalizer
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
