yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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