i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
