There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
