i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
