dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize