Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
