good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
