i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
