I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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