She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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