The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
