Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
a search helicopter?!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
