how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Floor bacon is actually really good
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize