I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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